full stop

146th entry

2011-07-26T17:06:00.005+08:00

I like your lips more than cheesecake, pudding and orange M&Ms combined. I like your voice more than my favourite song. And I like snuggling in your arms more than a toasty bed on a rainy day.

144th entry

2011-07-01T14:44:00.002+08:00

Even if I cry my eyes out, I won't let you see. Even if I DIE crying, I will ask not for your sympathy. Because you have none.

I should have realised it by now.

141st entry

2010-11-09T23:16:00.004+08:00

In his hands I will leave it, and from his answer I will find deliverance.

Even though I am an agnostic, I am an agnostic theist. I resist the idea of God, only in the sense that day to day I only see the man-made constructions of the idealization of God. I resist the faith because I despise the blind insistence of logic to what is essentially illogical.

But I believe. I believe God is out there and he loves me. What form he is I do not know. How he chooses to love me I do not understand. But if I have a question, he will answer. If I ask a question I need to know, I will hear his answer.

139th entry

2010-09-16T00:02:00.007+08:00

So predictable. So utterly predictable.

I've realized if there is one thing I cannot stand about people, is if they are boring. And the best way to be boring, is to be so damn predictable.

Do you know how a person becomes predictable? It's when they fall into the same pattern of their surrounding influences - following what the crowd thinks, following what the crowd does. If I've seen it 10 times, you are the 11th time. And you've become boring.

Oh dear, when unique people become so bland. So bland with no distinction in identity or flavor. I suppose I've said before that I can't stand people who are either meatheads who can't follow or utilize logic, delusional hypocrites who don't have the mental capacity to see their double standards, stupid liars who don't lie smart,

and I'm sure a host of other traits that I've ranted at length at one time or another.

But really, who am I kidding. I'm still friends with so many of those categories. But the real deal breaker, is when a person starts to sound. like. a. f**king. mass. produced. tape. recorder.

I can guess what you are going to say! Why do I have to talk to you when I can bloody guess what you are going to say!

Give me an intelligent input that I can ponder upon! Give me a funny repartee that will invoke a laugh! Don't give me regurgitated cardboard garbage! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Oh the boredom and torture of the dulling of the wit - I fear they will infect me with their insipid personalities.

The antithesis of wit and humor - is the cardboard man!

138th entry

2010-09-13T01:40:00.006+08:00

I've always found Japanese drama productions to be rather.. over-dramatized.

I mean all that screaming, (I'll make myself a better person! I will avenge you! I'm such a loser!) and all that talking to the air (kenichi, you are like the image of your father. You must do well. No, you will do well.), and all the over reacting emotional outbursts and doing things for ridiculous reasons..

Just makes me stare at the screen in utter disbelief.

Not to mention the cheesy, cliche, ridiculous yet totally predictable outcomes (oh, this girl I barely know dies of cancer. 10 years later I'm a doctor because of this 1 second incident. Did I mention I barely knew her?)

I mean it's cute when you're recreating a manga (Nodame Cantabile) but not exactly a plus point otherwise?

137th entry

2010-09-13T00:29:00.011+08:00

You know, a particularly condescending thought occurred to me:

Some people just prefer the bliss of blindness and ignorance. They prefer to simplify life and not ask questions. My asking questions makes them uncomfortable. Who are we to say they are wrong?

If they want to live in a nice closeted reality, where somebody tells you: Here's reality, no need to ask questions. Here are the rules and what to do, don't ask why. I'll tell you what to believe in.

And I come along and say: It doesn't make sense, why do it?

It's understandably annoying when you don't have a better answer than: Because the books say so. Because somebody said so.

Why must I ask so many questions to irritate them?

After thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that there are only 2 reasons a person would take offense at a question. 1) They don't want you to know the answer. 2) They don't know the answer (a good one anyway) and they don't want to admit it.

So they get offended and say: What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you know it's rude? And then you back off and they get away with not answering the question. It's a defense mechanism.

I read a philosophical passage that went something like: we are like the fleas in the fur of a rabbit. Most of us go through life without ever knowing anything further than those tips of that white fur. Some of us are happy that way. But some of us say it's not enough, and climb up through the white fur and poke our heads out.

So some people prefer to take the blue pill. If life is the matrix they'd happily eat their steak. Who are we to say they are wrong? Life is certainly more peaceful that way. You get a better night's sleep and definitely feel more calm and peaceful.

I mean, if it makes you feel better to think your biatch girlfriend who is only dating you to smooch off your money actually really loves you, why not? Why not bask in that 'love', even if it's not real? Reality doesn't mean heck to some people, as long as they can eat their steak, drink their wine and fall into a soft, fluffy bed.

Actually alot of people like to have their eyes closed, and don't appreciate me trying to open it for them. I should be more understanding that just because I think being aware is good, doesn't mean others do. Some people don't put much stock in logic. Logic is not a self-evident trump card because illogic works for them - as long as they get a good night's sleep right?

I should just learn to let them be.

I am being very condescending, aren't I?

136th entry

2010-09-05T19:46:00.004+08:00

Maybe god doesn't know how to be kind to people, because he never needed to. Maybe even if he wants to, god's particular brand of kindness is an odd one.

It seems reasonable doesn't it? Because how would one do the small kindness to people, when they are so above it all.. how do they see the small little things that matter.

When you are strong; when you are clever; when you are happy; when you are secure - how do you see how hard it is for others who are not? When you've never had a day's misery in your life, when life has always been kind to you - would you know how to be kind to another?

135th entry

2010-08-21T20:44:00.003+08:00

I was telling a friend that day, that sometimes I feel as if I just "collect" people.

I like being alone in company. I constantly feel that I need more people around me, to fill up my time and space; or perhaps just the void within. I need them to define me, without which I feel as if I occupy but a translucent, transient existence.

Like arranging dolls in a circular playroom, to sit in the center watching them watching me.

But in truth, often I find the company of others taxing; troublesome; burdensome.

At times I don't want people to know me. I don't want people to touch me. I crave the ultimate privacy, the exclusive ownership of self; the sole inhabitant of the mind. I'm like the miserly storekeeper who doles out information with a teaspoon; begrudging every little bit of revelation about myself.

Because it's the one thing I truly own? If I open up I fear I will feel empty.

134th entry

2010-08-09T09:55:00.005+08:00

I feel sorry. I feel a strange sort of regret. Regret often signifies a desire to go back and change things, perhaps for a different ending.

We can't be with people who make you smaller than yourself. We need strength in our lives, and we need people who give that to us. We need people who can hear what we say, even in our imperfect delivery. We need people who think the best of us, even when we sometimes struggle to see the beauty inside ourselves. We need people to change with us, not to change for.

We need people who will lift us up to greater heights. Find those who make you into a person you love.

131st entry

2010-07-27T12:52:00.004+08:00

It seems as if 90% of my blog posts nowadays are being saved as drafts. Maybe I just don't want anybody to know about my life anymore. Maybe I'd just prefer not to bare myself anymore.

People say I don't open up. But it feels as if more and more, when I do try, that I'm just making up parts and personas on display. And I look at this 'Kei', and think... who is this?

That feels like a disembodied stranger. And I don't like these persons that I create, because I tire of maintaining them.

So I'm tired.

128th entry

2010-07-24T02:36:00.006+08:00

When people ask me why I'm still single, or why I don't go with this or that guy... I say I don't know. But,

maybe I'm too much of a romantic, and too little of a realist, but I want to be with a guy who gives me butterflies in the stomach. I want to be with a person who makes me feel safe in his hugs and sad when he's gone. I want to be that girl who does a silent inner leap of joy when she gets to see the guy she likes.

If I wanted to be corny, I'd probably say, I want to be the girl in the MTV.

But jokes and ridicule aside, I don't want to be the girl who doesn't feel anything and isn't really affected either way whether her partner is around or not. I don't want to choose a person because he marks a 10 in all the criteria of good boyfriend material.

A guy asked me once,

"would you have considered (me)?"

And I replied,

"if I had to consider, there'd be no point."

I've wondered before.. should I have at least tried with guys who would have probably given me security in long term happiness? And then I'll ask myself, do I really care either way? And when I come to the answer "No", I come to the inevitable conclusion,

"then what's the point?"

127th entry

2010-07-07T00:47:00.003+08:00

It's very juvenile, but when people tell me things, I take it as a validation of my status. And when they don't want to, I get affected because I take it as a negative validation of my status.

I get bothered by it. It is quite stupid.

126th entry

2010-06-27T17:30:00.003+08:00

I want to be a Christian. But I rant and rave against Christianity not because I am against their believes but because they are against mine. I want to believe and accept god in the company of others, but not if it compromises my freedom to believe in my own perception of god.

Does it make me any less of a child of god if I do not take it as an indisputable truth that Jesus is the son and one of the holy faces of god? Does it tarnish my faith if I question the scriptures and the writings in the bible? I am not against Christianity, Christianity is against me. If I say I do not believe in the holy trinity, I cannot be accepted into the ranks of Christianity.

But please see that the need for individuality does not immediately nullify the need for acceptance.

125th entry

2010-06-18T18:24:00.005+08:00

You know the feeling of when you really, really, want to eat cake... but you don't and instead eat salad, because you know it is for your own good.

But you really, really, feel crappy because you can't have the cake now that you've ordered the salad; but you know it's the right choice... not that it makes you feel any better. And there is that regret; but not exactly regret because you are certain in your knowledge of the bad bad, consequences if you did eat the cake.

Well, I feel like that now. I know it's for my own good, but I still feel crappy anyway.

124th entry

2010-06-02T22:28:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could just once, tell you how I really feel.

I hate you. I dislike you. I wish you'd go away and leave me alone.

But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid I will regret it and it will be said and I will have to live with not being able to take it back.

I like you. I still do. I'd prefer not to, but.

So badly do I want to just say it straight to your face, no fancy words and no roundabouts. Just to say what's inside.

I think I'd be happier if you didn't exist.

123rd entry

2010-05-31T23:18:00.006+08:00

I feel suffocated.

Why must you be so good to me? Why must you give me everything, and give in to me for everything I want? Why must you be so cautious of offending me, and so keen to placate me? Why must you constantly seek to follow me, be there for me.. to protect me?

By your actions you deny me the liberty to be selfish. I have to think for you, because it's as if you won't think for yourself.

At the same time, you make me into a bad person. I want to drive you away so I can breathe, and I want to drive you into a corner so you will stop being like that.

Why, in all your willingness to give me what I want, do you fail at ever giving me what I want?

122nd entry

2010-05-23T01:06:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I think.

If I know you for long enough...

Will I ever actually know you?

121st entry

2010-05-02T23:51:00.003+08:00

Sunsets were not made to be watched alone.

Sunrises neither.

Nor delicacies of food and wine. Nor the dances of people or the beauty of the world.

122nd entry

2010-05-02T00:32:00.009+08:00

Why do people lie to themselves?

Because sometimes if you lie to the entire world long enough, it becomes the truth. You persist in the lie, you believe in the lie, and it becomes the truth - at least for you. After all, reality is constructed from our perception to it.

It isn't wrong and it isn't bad. As ridiculous a reason as it might be, it gives comfort. So why not lie to myself? Tell myself I don't want what I want. It makes me happier. At least for this moment, at least for now.

121st entry

2010-03-21T18:05:00.008+08:00

Sometimes I wonder whether he realises how much his words hurt me. They hurt. They really do.

I honestly don't believe he wants to, but how can he not know when he throws them like knives? Measured weapons sharpened and aimed to draw blood, sting and cut.

He throws them carelessly, in such volume and abandon. Yet they are executed with such cunning dexterity, as if to inflict maximum damage.

Does he not realise, I sit there in silence, not because I have surrendered, but because I am dumbstruck by his cruelty? I take it because I don't know what else to do.

If you do not hate me, why do you do this to me? Do you want to make me cry? If I cry in front of you, will you finally be appeased? Will you finally realise to stop it, just please stop?

120th entry

2010-03-21T17:48:00.006+08:00

I'm sorry if I find you boring.

I simply have zero interest in certain.. types of people. I find absolutely everything about them boring. Everything that comes out of their mouths is boring, their personalities are boring, their lives are boring. I struggle, struggle to pay attention to what they are saying. There's absolutely nothing in the world I can ask them which I actually would want to know.

They are so... generic. If they died tomorrow, I wouldn't feel the loss. I easily can hear whatever comes out from their mouths - conversation, views, personality - from the billions of people walking pass me everyday. I hear it like a tape recorder, the same mundane living, the same life "drama", talking about the same people with different names. It BORES me.

-----------------------------

Don't think me a better person than I am; never think me a better person than I am. That way, I won't have to deal with your disappointment.

I can be harsh, vicious, even malicious. I can say I'm sorry, but I will do it again. Since I know I will do it again, and again, and again, the only good I have in me is to have you keep a distance from me.

119th entry

2010-02-25T00:32:00.007+08:00

Some people are just born with the natural intolerance to the untruth.

That makes us bad liars. That doesn't mean we lie any less; nor does it mean we lie for any nobler reasons. It just means more effort is required for us to lie, and for us to make the lie convincing. While for others, lying 10 times makes the 11th time easier, for us each lie is like a fresh cringe - forever waiting for the temerity of the lie to come back and bite us.

And of course, the untruths discomfort us more than you would understand. That doesn't mean the truth hurts us any less, it just means we'd prefer the hurt of the truth that to have the uncomfortable knowledge of the blatant untruth.

In a time and place where untruths are celebrated.. I guess it's to be expected that the truth no longer means much. The untruth is something to be proud of, something to strive for. Personified, the truth is but an aged monarch - extended respect only out of courtesy - a shadow to the politician basking in adoration.

118th entry

2010-02-17T00:16:00.006+08:00

"If, tonight, the most beautiful prostitute in the village came in here, would you be able to see her as neither beautiful nor seductive?"

"No, but I would be able to control myself", the saint replied.

"And if I offered you a pile of gold coins to leave your cave in the mountain and come in and join us, would you be able to look on that gold and see only pebbles?"

"No, but I would be able to control myself."

"And if you were sought by two brothers, one of whom hated you, and the other who saw you as a saint, would you be able to feel the same towards them both?"

"It would be very hard, but I would be able to control myself sufficiently to treat both the same."

It was all a matter of control. And choice. Nothing more and nothing less."

- The Devil and Miss Prym

Sometimes I have feelings, thoughts, instincts, desires, emotions. I feel guilty, because I can't control them. I can't control having fears, making snap judgments, my personality, irrational desires, evil thoughts, loving people, disliking people.

But what I can control is my behaviour. I can give, I can abstain; I can pretend, I can make an effort; I can smile, I can try, I can let go. It is not the within that finally defines us - it is the outside. Our actions and choices, are what leaves a mark at the end of the day.

117th entry

2010-02-17T00:06:00.006+08:00

Insanely vomit-inducing, talking to people who give a "mm", "so-so", "nothing", "dunno", "yeah", "no", "ok", to...

EVERY SINGLE BLOODY THING YOU SAY.

"Did you watch XXX movie?"

"No."

"... hmm. ok. Then are you planning to watch it? It's quite nice. It's about Puff the magic dragon climbing up the candy tree of life to get a honey spun daisy to save princess peach."

"Maybe."

After a while I give up, and start to yabber on along whatever I like - until I start to feel as if I'm one of those crazy old ladies who have very engaging one-sided conversations with her cats.

Total conversation killers. Would it kill you to add an additional elaboration that I can build on? Why do you insist on starting a conversation if you're going to talk as much as a dead dog?

I could have had a better conversation with a blank wall. In fact, please go sit quietly in one corner - you and I would have a lot more fun that way.

Worse still are people who agree with EVERY, SINGLE, BLOODY THING THAT I SAY.

If I wanted my opinions rephrased and answered back at me, I would rather talk to myself.

116th entry

2010-02-02T18:31:00.004+08:00

#1: First fight

When I was young, I fought with a very important person. I believed that I was in the right, she believed that I was in the wrong. We both couldn't say sorry, couldn't make the first move - because we felt so strongly of our righteousness, because our pride wouldn't let us feel the sting of being thought of as the one in the wrong - the 'loser'. In one day, we never spoke again.

Now I keep remembering how I made things into a game back then. There were no winners or losers - only things to lose. I didn't feel the danger of losing it until it was too late to reclaim it back again. So now I'd rather have less pride, because now I can see which one I'll have less regrets losing.

115th entry

2010-01-25T00:44:00.004+08:00

I think I'm a rather good friend.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt, I will trust your word. I will think the best of you, because you are the reflection of my judgment. If I were to blame you, I will have to blame myself equally. Even if you do do something wrong to me, I forgive easily. And I will not make things difficult for you if I can.

Truthfully speaking, you could probably walk all over me if you play your cards right. I don't calculate - the only payment I want is you.

But don't:

1) Push me away.

As you have your pride, I have mine. What do you expect me to do? Beg the charity of your company? However much I want to keep relations with you, if you slight my company, then don't expect me to offer it again, and again. I'm nobody special. I'm nobody better, or stronger, or more understanding - I too get tired of disappointments.

2) Disrespect me.

Relationships to me is based on mutual respect. I'm not your pet, servant or China bride. I'm not there so you can feel better about yourself by putting me down. Likewise, I'm not going to be a blank wall with a mirror so you can primp and preen. I have a self. If you can't see the value in my self or opinions, then whether it be your fault or mine, maybe I should go away.

114th entry

2010-01-25T00:09:00.002+08:00

A friend once told me what my problem is - I refuse to accept what I don't understand. I take logic to the extreme, and dismiss what cannot be explained.

But the flaw is:
Sometimes it is not that there lacks logic, but it is that I lack understanding.

I simply at that moment, cannot see the reasoning. I didn't understand before why certain people act that way in certain situations. I saw it as stupid, as trite. Why make yourself miserable, why don't people act in a way that makes the most sense? They couldn't explain it to me, so I dismissed them. Now I'm older and I see it now. I've been through it, I understand people a little better now.

Too young, never put in those shoes - whatever it is, I hadn't been taught those laws of life yet. Maybe tomorrow I'll be a little more open to listening to the rational behind the seemingly irrational behaviours of life.

112th entry

2009-12-30T22:20:00.003+08:00

Somedays you just feel like a failure to yourself. Like you've been given this much to work with, and you've squandered it all.

Somedays you just know you didn't perform. And the worst feeling is knowing that you could have performed. You could have done it if you had just tried - but you didn't.

Somedays you feel bad. Like you've made too many mistakes, too fast. But do you know what is always the biggest mistake? It's always the not doing anything that you regret the most.

111th entry

2009-12-13T21:58:00.002+08:00

Have you ever walked to the dark to cry, and placed a hand over your mouth to hide the gasps of breathing and sobbing, because you don't want anyone to know. Stood up and walked off quickly, because you can feel the tears in your throat; and searched desperately with a calm exterior, because you can feel the shame.

And then in your hidden corner, you cry. It's funny the juxtaposing desires - how desperately you want to keep it a secret, yet at the same time how badly you want a little human comfort.

It all passes quickly enough. After which you rub the redness from your eyes, do a prepping routine and a double check against suspicion - and walk out as the same composed person you walked in as. If nobody saw it, then it didn't happen.

109th entry

2009-11-25T14:42:00.002+08:00

Can we not care if people ask us to care?

Do we really have the heart to walk away?

I wanted to walk away. I was going to walk away. I did not value her enough to overlook her repeated lapses and failures of the very little that I ask for. Then she said I need you to care. So I walked back.

How can I not care when you ask me to?

108th entry

2009-11-21T21:49:00.011+08:00

'A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself.'
- Wuthering Heights

'Then why are we attracted to those other than ourselves?'

'We were born that way. There is significance in seeking each other, and even hurting each other.'
- Shin Seiki Evangerion

'God asks me, "Why?"
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.'
- Fight Club

Emotional dependence. What a thing. Easier if we human beings were capable of happiness in a self-contained existence.

106th entry

2009-11-17T23:53:00.003+08:00

"I remembered that the real world was wide, and that a varied field of hopes and fears, of sensations and excitements, awaited those who had courage to go forth into its expanse, to seek real knowledge of life amidst its perils.
...

I tired of the routine of eight years in one afternoon. I desired liberty; for liberty I gasped; for liberty I uttered a prayer; it seemed scattered on the wind then faintly blowing. I abandoned it and framed a humbler supplication; for change, stimulus: that petition, too, seemed swept off into vague space: "Then," I cried, half desperate, "grant me at least a new servitude!""

- Jane Eyre

How you write my sentiments.

105th entry

2009-11-15T23:31:00.005+08:00

My blog posts are cryptic, aren't they? I never tell you what exactly happened, never mention names - in fact, neglect all the necessities of a good storytelling. Lacking a focus on a specific what, why, who or when - even when implied as singular, they are often experiences inter-merged.

Think you're being mentioned? Think again. You're probably right, but it's not just you.

Because... they are not written to chronicle my life. I have no intention of informing you of the mundane events of my daily drudge. They are nothing more than facts, and facts are boring. Do you want to know how's the movie I caught today? Go read the reviews. What are you up to these days? Go read my Facebook. Who cares.

They are to chronicle who I am. What I think, not what I see. They are to chronicle me - at the different stages of my life. They are to tell you who I am. Who I was, for the who I will be.

104th entry

2009-11-12T20:55:00.004+08:00

If you've experienced that moment of euphoria, why would you ever want to give it up? You just keep hanging on, in the hope that it will come back again.

Hope, hope - it is the very thing that turns people into cynics isn't it? The betrayal of hope.

103rd entry

2009-11-07T09:32:00.007+08:00

There's only so much a person can take. And take it they do, until they snap.

How much does it take to reach that point? Sometimes it's a sliver of annoyance, sometime it's a load piled on and on till it feels like a burden of infinity. But all it takes is for that one step to cross that line - that line so thin, it's invisible.

The fury blooms, and what a great fire that burns. Then the fire dies and fades away, the miles disappear to smoke and shadows - and you turn back, and you are a different person.

101st entry

2009-10-31T10:47:00.006+08:00

Surprise surprise.. or at least for me. That when two people love each other, more often than not, one party loves the other more.

There's always one person who will always give in at a deadlock. Always one person who is willing to change more, to give more. Always one person who is more scared than the other that the other person will dislike them, will hate them, will leave them.

Maybe I've never realised how much I didn't care till I cared too much.

100th entry

2009-10-29T13:46:00.004+08:00

Recently, I don't know what it is, but I feel as if I'm starting to lose my grasp on sanity. Is it hormones, is it work... or what? I don't know - but nowadays I feel as if I can't be left alone, because when the silence of the mind overwhelms me, I start to feel as if I'm slowly going out of my mind.

I don't really know what it is. Is is minor, is it major? Can it be helped or is it something perhaps every person goes through? At certain parts of the day, I strangely feel as if there's something that is slowly unraveling my mind - but I can't identify what exactly it is. At other times of the day, I'm perfectly placid with my sanity restored. Odd.

99th entry

2009-10-27T16:20:00.006+08:00

What does one do when mortality comes knocking at your door?

Eventual death has always been a fact of life. From cradle to grave, death has been an ever undeniable fact; known at bone-depth to both babe and adult, unsaid but expected.

But when you're young, I haven't forgotten the subconscious belief of immortality! You know death is always at the horizon, but youth denies the possibility that it'll ever arrive. You do risky things, you take chances. You court death, never thinking that he might take the hint.

But what does one do when mortality comes knocking at your door? Such disappointment, such irritation. Such fear, such loathing. To stave him off, now you have to do the running. No longer an unknown entity, you face the night knowing him as a bedside fellow.

96th entry

2009-10-08T01:50:00.011+08:00

Bad me, I'm somewhat of an escapist.

When faced with things I do not understand or do not know what to do with, I choose to walk away - and instead deal with it by re-compartmentalize my life.

Shut it up in a box and place it to the side and far away. Muffled behind a door, I can go about functioning as per normal - the other components of my life unaffected by the disruption. An idiot's first reaction nevertheless? Yes I know, I know.

95th entry

2009-10-06T16:07:00.008+08:00

To socialize into a group is not the responsibility of an individual; it's the responsibility of the group to practise inclusiveness.

If a newcomer fails to integrate into a group, it is the failure of the group - not the newcomer.

Many a times I feel people tend to throw the onus and initiative of creating new bonds onto the shoulders of someone - whom you must consider - is already dealing with the uncomfortable uncertainty of new surroundings. Totally green of the group culture, people and environment, it's ridiculous to expect a newcomer to integrate in, when it'd take so little effort for each person in the existing group to spare a little thought and practise inclusiveness out.

94th entry

2009-10-02T15:09:00.006+08:00

If I'm acting tiresome, please bear with me. If I'm withdrawn, unresponsive and dull company, please stay by me. If I am curt, hurtful and do and say things no excuses can cover, please forgive me.

If it's not too much to ask, no matter how incomprehensible I can be, please understand me.

93rd entry

2009-09-25T22:32:00.005+08:00

Am I too naive?

Sometimes I think life and growing older is going to jade me. Perhaps it's all for the best, as a form of protection, but then how grey life would look.

92nd entry

2009-09-21T02:35:00.008+08:00

I believe in the institution of marriage.

That does not mean I believe in the governmental portrayal of marriage - which merely reduces marriage into nothing more than a paper institution. You get married to get a HDB flat. You get married to get the governmental benefits. You get married, basically for a piece of paper.

Neither does it mean I believe in the rituals of marriage. You get married because once you've been dating so long, marriage is the logical next step. You get married because it's the social norm. You get married because of expectations. You get married because it's the step before having a child, raising a family, and generally fulfilling your role in the cycle of life.

No. These should not be the reasons. These do not represent the institution of marriage.

I believe in the institution of marriage whereby two people genuinely in love, take a vow of commitment before God and before others. It is a show of love, it is a expression of commitment. It is about two people who see nothing but each other, who want the world to see it too.

It is a simple action of purity. To blemish and tear it down on the cynical view built up by the misrepresented and corrupted perception of marriage is sad indeed. I believe in the institution of marriage the same way I believe in love. It's not complicated at all when it's pure.

91st entry

2009-09-14T22:46:00.007+08:00

I know I get highly irritable and defensive when I get pushed to talk about things that are bothering me.

I don't talk about my feelings because I don't like them.

It feels impossible to talk about them when things are still so suffocatingly present. I can't speak not because I don't want to but because everything is so heavy, so there, so restricting, so choking. I can't think to speak.

If I had the words I would say it. But I don't. So I can't say it. It's not easy talking about painful things when you're living it. When the pain stings like barbs in your brain just thinking about it, you don't want the extra pain of scratching them out through your throat to string out some unsatisfactory words that will not ease the heart.

90th entry

2009-09-09T04:02:00.011+08:00

Somewhere along the line recently, I forgot who I was. I got caught up in reacting to situations, being who I thought it was appropriate for me to be at that moment - till I became so many people, so many me-s infront of so many people, until I forgot which were fake and which were real.

89th post

2009-09-04T04:24:00.010+08:00

It's disappointment that breaks my heart.

Disappointment when the people you think you've known all your life turn out to be strangers. Who are they? Suddenly you don't understand them. Suddenly you are left with the ground gone beneath your feet. What was certain is now not and will never be - how much of what was taken for granted as day-to-day reality is true anymore?

Disappointment when others you thought understood you, don't and never did ever understand you. You thought you were on the same page. You shared. You felt better. Then you realize you might as well have been talking to a stuffed bear all along - for all they get it.

Disappointment when expectations exceed reality. That you start believing something may be true, you think it is true, you know it is true - then you are dealt the shock that it never was.

88th post

2009-08-29T22:39:00.022+08:00

I wish people would stop trying to "psychotherapy" me.

Yes. I get unhappy at times and need to rant.

But all that incessant "Are you ok?" "Do you want to talk about it?" "You must be stressed" makes me feel as if I'm not even being allowed to rant. Instead of unburdening myself, I'm now being put in a position of having to shoulder on the work of explaining myself to and reassuring 10,000 people.

Seriously. I don't need people trying to "unlock my feelings" and make me positively wallow in my miseries; so that I can come out bright, shining and happy.

Oh lord. Don't keep pushing upon me your free psychiatry session - you are just making me more tired than I already am.

87th post

2009-08-23T00:13:00.006+08:00

"Be a people person."

That's what I'm being told.

In a corporate environment, I feel as if I'm being perceived as being "less of" by being an introvert. I can feel e perception that introversion is a bad thing. Knowing & sensing e desire for me to change, I feel uncomfortable in my skin; as if I am 'wrong' - a flawed personality to be corrected.

I try - but it bothers me. What's wrong with being an introvert? Does e world only need extroverts? It's not as if I don't talk at all. I just don't talk when I have nothing to say.

Is that so wrong? That I can't keep quiet when I have nothing to say? Should I be asking questions I have no interest in knowing e answers for? That I be pushing inputs and opinions that I don't really believe in? All for a tiresome facade - for what purpose & towards what end?

How do I express it.. I feel strength in being genuine. I like smiling because I can't help it. To listen to others with eyes wide open because I think their story captivates me. To feel e laughter bubbling up because it's real. I feel strength in it, and being something I'm not makes me feel dead.

86th post

2009-08-20T16:17:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I have this morbid desire to hurt people. Not because they've done anything negative to me, but because they don't seem to react negatively to me at all; no matter what I say or do.

I just feel like pushing their buttons to see how far it can go. Why are you so nice to me? What's the catch? Will you still be you when this facade ends? I just want to test it to destruction to see whether they'll forgive me even if I push that button one too many times.

Yes, I know. I'm evil. But I do not act on the morbid curiosity, so perhaps I can be forgiven. But it sometimes discomforts me that I may one day act on the impulse, and destroy something that was true all along.

85th post

2009-08-17T00:36:00.003+08:00

When I was young, my mother used to tell me:

"Smile in front of your relatives. Don't put on a sour face."

It always seemed proper to show people a smiling face.

But it feels to me now, that having to fake a smile is possibly the most painful thing in the world.

84th entry

2009-08-05T09:55:00.005+08:00

I know I have to start somewhere, and I know I'm supposed to learn.

I also know I'm not the only one who is lost, and I know that others are trying.

I know other people's lives are not what they appear to be. I know it's fine, just be patient.

I know, I know, I know. But does knowing make any difference at times like these?

83rd entry

2009-08-03T14:53:00.004+08:00

I dislike the insecurity I feel around overly sociable people.

Perhaps a selfish peculiarity of mine, but I don't like my close friends to have TOO MANY close friends. If everybody is their close friend, then where do you stand in the rank of 'close friends?' Doesn't it belittle the sanctity of the term?

You only have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Obviously certain people have to take priority over others. Certain benefits are finite. You may have infinite love, but you do not have infinite resources. And consider, if you get immense enjoyment out of the company of all, then my company is reduced to no exclusive value. I'm only one of the many. If I'm not there, what would it matter?

In the defilement of the term, the inherent flaw in taking everybody under your arm as a 'close friend', is that you end up having no real close friends. Am I putting a value on something that should not be calculated? Perhaps. But all the same, it makes me raise my eyebrow to see the lowering of the label to nothing more than some empty feel-good title.

82nd entry

2009-07-15T03:35:00.012+08:00

It is hard to feel happy for others when your own happiness has fallen short. It is hard to smile when there are shadows in your eyes.

And the tightness in the chest and soul when you have to is almost unbearable - it is like your heart being pickled.

But who wants to recount the source of their miseries, their failures? So instead we must smile. Or at least pretend to. Pretend to be happy so others won't ask why, and why, and why. Pretend to be well-adjusted - so you don't have to face all that why, and why, and why.

All that incessant psychiatry, of trying to help. Of trying to be nice. Who on earth is happy with just nice. Try to understand without asking. To not make a big deal out of it. To look closely and see what is needed.

Let me let it go. Don't stick your finger in the wound to see how far it goes.

81st entry

2009-07-08T01:40:00.003+08:00

When you cross over to take a peek at the other side of the fence, you finally realize that your backyard is all the space you'd ever want in your life.

80th entry

2009-05-15T02:11:00.003+08:00

Do people not get the hypocrisy of what is coming out of their own mouths, or have they started believing in their own lies? Each sentence contradicts the next, and the truth is twisted to fit their arguments. There is no point in arguing, because how do you argue an argument where facts and logic are disallowed?

You might as well argue little green men are landing on our planet because I can balance a pencil on my nose. I can neither balance a pencil on my nose nor will there ever be aliens landing on earth even if I could. But without facts or logic, every argument would hold – therefore no argument could hold.

The company of those who insist you take their logic when there is no logic to speak of, is mind-numbingly intolerable. It’s terribly grating, and incredibly irritating. When you try to get them to see the illogic of their logic, they counter with another fine specimen of their (il)logic. Then you go on a merry-go-round of trying to get them to see reason, which they are unbelievable resistant to, where you start at A and basically end at I-am-so-exasperated-I-don’t-know-why-I’m-bothering-to argue-with-you.

But you go on arguing with them. Because what is even more irritating is letting them think they have won – when they think you’ve backed off from their superiority of argument, when what they’ve won by is the tenacity of their stupidity.

79th entry

2009-04-29T21:09:00.008+08:00

I only request one thing from the people I love - that they need me as much as I need them.

Once I feel that I occupy an insignificant position in a person's life, I cease to care about them. I don't care whether they die, I don't care whether they live. I will do what society requires of me. I will laugh in their company and cry at their funerals. But deep down inside, it will hardly matter to me either way.

I cannot love a person who doesn't need me around. Sometimes I feel, that my absence would make no real difference - I as a friend, a daughter, can be easily replaced by another. If it doesn't make a difference whether I'm there, then it doesn't make a difference to me whether you're there.

That's why I say I'm not capable of unconditional love. I have a condition to my love. I can forgive lies, backstabbing and betrayal, but not this.

Why? Because it is the key to my emotional stability. I place my emotional needs only in the hands of people whom I know I can trust. In a mutual emotional contract, I feel secure.

I'm very judicious in giving out this contract. I have the ultimate love for those I have given this contract to. I too love those whom I haven't given the contract to - albeit at a lesser level. But for those who break the contract, I have no love.

78th entry

2009-04-28T02:24:00.004+08:00

I only go jogging when I'm feeling unhealthy or stressed.

Currently I'm at the first.

But for the second, a sudden urge to go jogging always strikes me when I'm feeling stressed - usually at midnight when I'm rushing assignments. Jogging is such a miserable hell, that it serves as a wonderful reminder that there's nothing in e world that I'd rather not do as compared to jogging. After I'm done, I have so much more motivation to do whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing before I went jogging.

Ahhh... the joys of jogging - all about the destination and nothing about the run.

77th entry

2009-04-24T20:03:00.017+08:00

I hate:

People who self-importantly do things for others when in actuality they are doing it for themselves.

For example:

#1 People who insist on helping me when I don't want, or need, the help. Who is reaping the benefits I don't know, because it's definitely not me.

#2 People who tell me: No offense, but I'm going to tell you something that is completely offensive and will make you feel real bad, when in actuality you don't need to hear it and even if you do the information is of absolute tosh,

because I'm a person who is 'straightforward' and 'honest' - and the truth is a diamond-encrusted Holy Grail.

A.k.a I just feel like blabbing coz it makes me feel better.

#3 People who compliment me with no basis and wait to see the effects of their compliment. If you give me a compliment like you are giving a gift, then I don't want it - because it is fake.

76th entry

2009-04-14T12:48:00.009+08:00

I can never understand why some girls bother to have relationships with guys who are obviously a waste of their time. And in this, I don't mean that e guy is an idiot, moron, asshole, airhead, cheater, liar, egoistic, bore, full of bullshit, tactless, heartless, brainless.. garden ornament.. shows more interest in WoW than you..

none of which I'm implying in any remote way whatsover way that most guys are.

Really.
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No, really.
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Trust me.
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No, I'm not being sacarstic..
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No I'm not lying.
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Why would I be lying?
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Are you trying to say I'm not an honest person?
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You can see I'm such a nice person right?
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Right?
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Right?
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Right right right?
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Why am I doing this?
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Coz I just feel like wasting your time that's why.
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Back to my original topic.

Anyway, what I meant by guys who are a waste of time, are guys whom you know you're obviously never going to marry, but you date anyway.. Like you know he is completely wrong for you.. then doesn't my argument hold? That you're just wasting your time?

Ahah.. you see.. I didn't just do the wuliao exercise for nothing.

It had a PURPOSE. Really. No really. You don't believe me? Why? You really don't believe me? So you really reaaly don't bel...

Anyway back to my original topic.

Sometimes I think some girls just need to have a bf.. Like it's their plate of charkwayteow or something.. Like you don't really care for the charkwayteow before you, but you eat it anyway because it's there and it doesn't taste too bad.. and you need to eat SOMETHING, and you don't like the laksa stall..

Get it?

75th entry

2009-03-18T11:31:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I think bad thoughts, really really bad thoughts. Thoughts I shouldn't be thinking, thoughts I will never tell you, because it's my shame. Thoughts that I will not even write down, pin down, because to do so is to admit their existence.

Thoughts unforgivable - though not action, they nevertheless reflect the soul, and what a terrible reflection it is. What a terrible person I am.

74th entry

2009-03-18T10:58:00.004+08:00

Yes, I have yet to fix my blog template.

Because I've lost interest.

When it burns, it burns so strongly you cannot imagine it dying out. When it disappears, it disappears so completely, that you cannot even be bothered to salvage its memory.

Apathetic. That's what I am. How horrendously depressing. With no passion, no drive, I will leave no mark upon this world. When I die, I will disappear, without a trace, so completely that no one would even be bothered to salvage a memory of me.

73rd entry

2009-02-22T16:30:00.007+08:00

Re-reading some of my old blogger posts, I really sound like I'm about an inch away from beating somebody over e head with a brick wall.. 0.o

It's surprising how different people sound with their lives written out in fancy words. Bitchier, emo-er, freakily suicidal, or just doggone intellectual when they are just really talking monkeys in real life.. whoohoo.

I think blogs have a way of concentrating what you mean. In an effort to use words with more impact.......... if you are unhappy, you sound suicidal. If you are angry, you sound murderous. If you are happy, you sound like you have just taken 10 ecstasy pills, washed it down with hard liquor, then spent e day chasing tinker bell in e meadows. (Or maybe I'm just covering my ass coz I know I sound like a crazy b*tch insane sociopath..)

72nd entry

2009-02-11T18:25:00.009+08:00

Gawddd.... do I hate it when people drop unfinished pieces of information into e conversation without considering what the hell e other person is supposed to do when they have NO BACKGROUND INFORMATION TO WHAT E BLOODY HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Example #1: I cannot stand that XXX, he makes me damn pissed. He always says that sort of thing. He dun understand my feelings when he says that meh?

Ermm.. ok? So what e hell did he say? Shouldn't that be e first thing you should mention?

Example #2: Angeline is with me now.. she very annoying leh..

The obvious question is WHO THE HELL IS ANGELINE, and therefore if you had half a brain you would furnish e info without me asking.

Example #3: 6 months alrdy..

...

...

(that's it?)

Cryptic idiots who want to be mysterious but only succeed in being irritating...

6 months since WHAT??? YOU WANT ME TO ASK IZ IT. CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME AND MAKE UR BLOODY SELF CLEAR???

Oh lord.. talking to those type of ppl is worse than talking to a monkey.. Hey, I didn't sign up for a brain workout. Why am I spending half of e time trying to decipher your conversation..

71st entry

2009-02-09T17:17:00.002+08:00

Blog awards in Singapore are so really e hilarious shit.

Actually almost all awards which rely on e public vote of our good Singaporean citizens are really hilarious shit. Beauty contests, talent shows… who is e winner only depends on who can get the most people to vote for them. And sometimes, if you find reallyyy boliao enough people - vote for you repeatedly 10,000X. It really doesn’t depend on the original judging criteria. So when I see people hanging them up like some honorary trophy, I feel like laughing my head off.

Of course you can diaoz at me seeing the number of my blog readers prob fluctuates between 1-5. But really, I’m not the one pretending to be an empty hotshot am I?

70th entry

2009-02-09T16:21:00.002+08:00

70th post!!! 70 entries of complete crap!!!

I apparently log into my blog so rarely until I have difficulty remembering my user email & password..

I have 5 email accts n different stupid user names 4 every one of them. Do you know I have more than 1 blogger acct and more than 2 blogs? Haha.. try to find them if u can, althgh I assure you they are as boring as this one..

69th post

2008-11-17T17:36:00.002+08:00

Am currently not doing work. Whyyyyyyy!!! Oh, yeah. That's coz I'm lazy.

Best therapy for insomnia: work.

68th post

2008-11-08T22:30:00.005+08:00

Haiz.. sometimes I feel like such a sad shadow of myself when I'm interacting with people I like, but am not fully comfortable with. With companions in which both apply, e obvious goes that I am freely myself without fear of judgment. With those whom I dislike, I can be flippant in my actions and words, because I care not a whit if they think me an idiot, a biatch, nor do I put much stock in the opinions of morons anyway.

But for those I care for yet am uncomfortable around, I feel so sad watching myself be a pandering fool - afraid to offend, unsure of myself. Yet if I believe they will judge me, should I even be liking them anyway?

67th post

2008-10-31T12:46:00.002+08:00

I'm always surprised at how some people know me so well, and how some people are delusional enough to think they know me so well.

People who know me well, know me well through the understanding that they don't know me well at all. Those in the latter category, know me poorly through the understanding that they are experts on me.

It's annoying when people act as if they are more of an expert on me than I am. For your information, that is not possible. No matter how messed up I am in understanding myself, I will still know myself better than you.

66th post

2008-10-21T10:25:00.002+08:00

It follows to reason that if you are capable of extreme lows, you would be capable of extreme highs. Thus people who are prone to depression, have the upside of being able to experience true happiness. The downside to people like me, who don't fluctuate emotionally, is that I suspect I won't ever get to know what euphoria really means.

65th post

2008-10-13T14:35:00.003+08:00

Damn hilarious siah.

Was trying out some translation sites out there, and stumbled upon this: http://www.howtosayin.com/

- You are asking me if I want you for a friend or a boyfriend -

Got translated to:

-You are asking me, what if I want your friends or your boyfriend – (你问我，如果我要你的朋友或男朋友)

Imagine... What if you actually tried these translations in real life... Man, would I like to see their faces when you tell them you want their friends and boyfriend -_-"

- Do you think I am that dumb –> You think I am a mute (你以为我是哑巴)

Really not worth the risk trusting.

- How much do you like me -> How much money you like me (多少钱你喜欢我)

Good for laughs, bad bad bad for real life…

64th post

2008-10-13T13:42:00.003+08:00

It’s easy enough to tell when somebody is lying, but how do you know how much of it is a lie and how much of it is the truth. Lies are often not told in blocks – they are interwoven with truth, with aim to deceive and to fool, twisted into a confused bundle, until you don’t know where the lie starts and the truth ends. If I choose to believe, I will have to swallow it whole... distasteful. Yet not to believe means rejection of truth interwoven, just as distasteful.

Damn to the liar. Lie so no one can tell, or don’t bother.

63rd post

2008-09-29T03:26:00.000+08:00

I’m secretly convinced that people love their problems. It is like bigger problems make their lives more exciting, and not the ridiculously small nothingness they are. Big, wonderful problems do not make big wonderful lives. Big wonderful problems only make big wonderful lives when they are solved. But since these so-called problems are not really problems in the first place, so they can never get solved – and thus, big shitty lives remain big shitty lives.

62nd post

2008-09-03T13:15:00.001+08:00

Some people have NO TACT. For some inexplicable reason, they see the word T.A.C.T , but for the life of them they cannot comprehend the usage of it.

When they went to school, there must have been a lesson that went something like this:

Teacher: Students, today we are going to learn a new word! Please open your dictionaries to the ‘Ts’ and look up the meaning of tact.

Students: *Diligently flip the pages*

Teacher: XXX, please stand up and tell the class what is the definition of tact.

XXX: Teacher, I can’t.

Teacher: Why?

XXX: Because the word TACT is not in my dictionary!

Ok, lame... I’ll admit it. But I’d rather be a lame person, than a person whom others speak through gritted teeth and strained smiles.

61st entry

2008-08-19T15:54:00.003+08:00

Truely e grass is greener on e other side. When I'm working,I feel like going back to studying is the most beautiful prospect in e world. Now I'm back on campus, I feel like.. shit. 2nd week into e new term and I already feel like banging my head on e wall.

60th entry

2008-06-27T13:07:00.003+08:00

Some people really put e "B" in e Biittcchheeee...

It's not like they r bad pple or even mean ppl.. they r just ppl

Ppl so far into their comfort zone that they've lost the inclination to think about others once in a while. Everything is going rosy for them, why should they bother? If they feel everything is fine and dandy, why not should you? They don’t understand others might not be as comfortable in what is an alien environment to them.

59th entry

2008-05-29T12:56:00.003+08:00

Wooot e heeelllll... I’m so bored... I'm so bored that I'm updating my blog... even though I have nothing to write, and basically I'm just typing nonsense... I'm not using sms language, see, so my blog post will look longer and won't look like a pathetic attempt at an entry... Is it long enough now? Aooo shiat... it isn’t... ok, maybe I should add in more dot dot dots... like this... long enough... seems so... bye...

58th entry

2008-05-24T00:31:00.015+08:00

My blog posts are getting too long. I should shorten them. The one thing I’ve learnt is that only a very patient or avid reader gets further than the 2second paragraph. I have come to the realization that reader interest & the blog paragraph number must be mathematically correlated to something like this:

Interest Level = 1/Paragraph No.

57th entry

2008-05-22T00:23:00.005+08:00

I try hard to have change in my life, to in turn, change myself.

I try to be a go-getter, instead of a passive waiter. I know I have personality traits that disadvantage me. I believe in fate, in destiny. I’ve come to believe that I believe in these things too much.

If I put too much faith n dependence on e insubstantial lady chance, I might waste my whole life in vain expectation, waiting at e window instead of stepping outside to e world beyond.

But it's hard, because e one thing I lack in considerably is motivation. I rarely care strongly about anything. I have no destination, no goal. I am in essence, inert.

So I try to put myself in uncomfortable situations, to absorb motivation. I don’t seem to generate it myself. I dislike unfamiliarity, bcause I feel unsure. But it is precisely e insecurity that dispels my complacency, n gives me e drive to open e door. E door is really not locked, n e world outside is really something more desirable than I originally thought.

56th entry

2008-05-15T01:04:00.008+08:00

Some ppl say I am unemotional. They are right, in a sense.

I didn’t feel anything when my grandfather died. I still don’t. I am obligated 2 do so, I knw. That he is no longer arnd shld mean something more than a piece of information. Bt I barely knw him, I think I cn count e no. of times I met him on one hand. So shld I feel sad bcause I am obligated 2 do so? How true is that emotion? I gve up trying 2 force out emotion once I began to feel what a useless expenditure of energy it was.

So I don’t feel much emotion for many things. Bcz frm my perspective, it is nt that I’m being unemotional, bt bcz it makes no sense 2 do so. I don’t feel especially horrified, sad or concerned when I see a car crash fatality. I don’t particularly care for sob stories frm ppl of no concern 2 me, if I cnnt help or if e stories do nt interest me.

But I do feel emotion. When it affects me, when I care for u, when I can do something, or when whatever it is, it becomes of relation to me.

So whether or nt I am unemotional, I dn't really knw myself. Bt frm my perspective, it's nt me being abnormal, it's u all being weird.

55th entry

2008-05-14T21:40:00.011+08:00

Let’s update my blog. Seeing that it has remained static for eons.

Don't over practise virtue. The old adage of "anything done in excess turns bad" applies everywhere. Good deeds, love and giving should be exercised in moderation, just like everything else. The quota may run higher, but still, the limit stands. Go overboard, and it turns to evil. Think about it.

54th entry

2008-04-05T21:24:00.004+08:00

Sometime back, all you had to do to find out enough information abt a person to make you gag n puke, was to google their name and dig out their blog. But now, alas, e heyday for blogging seems to be over, which is a downright shame, seeing that blogs were, n still remain, e no. 1 tool in a stalker's quest. Nowadays, all you can rely on is scanty friendster, or the whacked up facebook, neither of which appeals a great deal 2 this stalker truly..

53rd entry

2008-04-01T10:31:00.009+08:00

I'm only a person. I'm not someone stronger, or better, or that much kinder. I'm only a person, with this much, to offer, with heartbreak and troubles, with flaws and mistakes, that I wish I could correct.

I'm only a creature, who's living, not knowing, who's breathing and thinking. Sometimes of things, that I shouldn't, or in all logic, have no purpose nor destination. I have questions, less answers, uncertain to ask, uncertain to give. I do things, with no understanding, not because I'm thoughtless or heartless, but because I'm a person, please do not ask too much of me.

52nd entry

2008-02-25T00:51:00.001+08:00

People are so naïve, they expect others to help them, the heavens to part n cherub angels to descend, in divine light n heavenly music, to present them with solutions on a silver platter. Help is not to be expected, at best to be hoped for. To live life hallucinating that it will be waving at the window is moronic. Plain moronic. Life isn’t kind n life isn’t fair. Problems r problems, DEAL with them. If you can’t, then LIVE with them, if neither is feasible, FACE IT, you'r screwed. Full stop. You may not receive as much kindness as you are entitled to, but like duh, so does like the whole world, don’t be such a hissy.

51st entry

2008-02-25T00:47:00.003+08:00

I am not asking whether love exists, why do people keep giving me answers like that? I do not question the existence of love, I am sure of it, absolutely certain. I am asking you to explain it to me. And why can’t you explain it to me? You, in your own admission say you have loved before and have absolute certainty it is love. Surely a person who knows love first hand cannot mistake it for like. You, who say you love your family, that itself is unconditional love, love without the necessity of like. You could explain it to me, yet you do not. There are two questions which I ask, one is what is love, and the other is how do you know it is not like?

50th entry

2008-01-16T23:42:00.001+08:00

I hate sob stories. They are very sad. Sad as in not weepie weepie, but sad as in just, SAD. And boring. Really boring. As in go tell it to e pillar there boring. I know, it’s very evil. Shoot me.

Go ahead, tell me your troubles, I’ll listen, n sympathize. But don’t go making it all drama, e world is ending I need to tell e whole world how miserable I am good lord save me save me, or else I’ll just pretend to listen, n sympathize.

49th entry

2007-12-25T01:42:00.001+08:00

Unreliable friends annoy me. ‘Friends’, who do nt put importance in displaying significant presence. ‘Friends’, flippant actions placing so little value in e friendships. Are they friendships, or r they just relationships.

Friendships come with obligations. If these obligations cnnt b handled, they shld just b classified under acquaintances, with a nicer label of “Friends [bracket] Class C [close bracket]”. Bcause that’s just what they r, friends just barely distinguished from acquaintances.

I may be cutting the line quite thin here, but friends hv importance with me. Friends hv status with me. You don’t just get e status by saying hi bye on e walkway once a month. You get it by being a friend.

48th entry

2007-11-04T01:26:00.001+08:00

What right do I have to be unhappy, I already have so much. What right do I have to say I’m miserable, do I know what misery is. What right do I have to show displeasure at life, has life truly been so unkind to me?

These are the questions I should ask myself when my misery goes too far.

47th entry

2007-10-26T18:18:00.000+08:00

I write the first word, unhappiness, then I stop, because I don’t know how to go any further.
How do you talk about something like that. It ebbs, and it fades, but it comes back all the same. It disappears so cleanly when it is gone, yet returns like an old friend, you know has never left, just quiet all the while, till u've forgotten his presence.
I write and write, but only in circles, I write and write and cancel and cancel and still so impossible it is to express myself.
The dissatisfaction.
Edit: This post has undergone several edits. and still it dissatisfies me. If unhappiness is hard to write about, it is as equally hard to read abt.

46th entry

2007-09-20T11:16:00.000+08:00

I dn't understand y some ppl looovveee to put down themselves. People should never put down themselves. If you are going to trample upon urself, dun complain when other ppl take a few extra steps. After all, you started it, you opened the door and practically gave them permission to come and hv a mass trampede all over you. If you are going to say u r stupid and ugly, well, dun get all worked up when i say hell yeah you are, cz seriously, you have no right to.

46th entry

2007-09-20T10:42:00.001+08:00

I appreciate ppl who demonstrate full awareness of the messages in their behaviour. I do not appreciate those who demonstrate a 12yr old's mentality without realizing they reek of 'screaming for attention' with every action they make.

45th entry

2007-07-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

Oh why Oh why do ppl like to list "liars" and "hypocrites" under their dislikes. So i am a liar n a hypocrite, so are 99.999999% of e world. Good luck in finding e other 0.000001%.
An additional point to tat. U'd prob wldn't like e company of tat 0.000001% even if u found them, being a liar n hypocrite in the real world has other names, such as "social courtesy" n "survival skills". 100% honesty and forthrightness has another name too, n the name is "rude", oh yeah, and "bloody depressing person to be with".

44th entry

2007-06-24T21:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel less lonely alone. At others I think any company would be better than no company. Then I realize how wrong I can be. And after all that e whole cycle begins again in another setting.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes I feel so lonely, with or without company.

43rd entry

2007-06-06T02:12:00.000+08:00

My bad day keeps getting worse. There are bad times and good times, and crappy days just means you are saving up your luck for a rainy day. If my hypothesis is right, I’m on my way to winning lottery at about next week. So wish me luck.

42nd entry

2007-03-20T02:10:00.000+08:00

I put up a wall of strength because I abhor signs of visible weakness. I despise the show of tears, as it displays the lack of control on the part of the individual. I despise the admittance of dependence; I despise the overt display of needy emotions, which seeks notice from others. I resent the relinquishment of control, visible requirement of assistance, or the submittance to assumptions of the requirement of assistance.

41st entry

2007-02-13T01:55:00.003+08:00

Some people’s profiles are so laughable.

They use such convoluted words and spout philosophy - all in aim of what purpose? What else than to impress upon others the depth of their intellect. Haha.

Then they go on to make stupid grammatical mistakes.

What are they thinking to state such meaningless activities as their interests. Gazing at the sky (the profile I read wrote “grazin at e sky”. Haha. Oh my god, my stomach aches. If you are going to try to impress upon others your soulful nature, at least buy a dictionary first), and favourite book - LOTR??? An 18 yr old who can’t even spell is listing LOTR as her favourite book. Don’t make me laugh till I choke to death.

And another thing, who are these people who list their dislikes as “liars” and “hypocrites”? Do they think they are the paragons of truth???

A study done by a Princeton University psychologist - the overuse of flowery complex language does not impress but instead leads to a “lower estimate of the writer’s intelligence”.

So think twice before you decide to be Yeats no. 2; or at least invest in a good thesaurus if you insist on giving it a go.

p.s. And use a grammar check - a candid piece of advice to avoiding a public exhibition of your limited education.

40th entry

2007-01-30T01:58:00.000+08:00

I’m tired of writing. I’m tired of trying to make myself amusing to an audience I don’t even know whether are listening. I don’t like writing for myself. I already know what I’m thinking; I don’t need the words spelt out before me, I don’t care about ur day, I don’t care if you ate a chocolate or a mint, if you met mr. mickey mouse or danced around a banana tree with Donald duck. I’m so damn SIAN. Understand the meaning of Sian? It’s a condition whereby you are so whooping scrunched up and splat out. Bloody hell, I need a Prozac. Anybody know where I cn buy cheap Prozac?

39th entry

2006-08-13T00:19:00.000+08:00

Am I capable of unconditional love? One day perhaps I will need to give it, and one day perhaps I will not be able to. I do not understand what love is. Same as like? Surely not, for what else is unconditional love, except for love that is independent of all else, including like. I know like, but love? I have never known love without like, and because of that, I wonder in my ability to give love without basis of like.

38th entry

2006-07-19T22:05:00.000+08:00

What I thought was important yesterday, seems so . . . trivial today. The funny thing is, I know tomorrow I will not care, yet because today I care so strongly, it obsesses me. Its like I cannot choose. I know its' nonsensical nature, n true enough tomorrow it will reveal its' joker face. Yet, n what a very big yet this is, today, it is so very logical. Half of my mind, the rational half, tells me very correctly that tomorrow I’ll come to my senses n declare, what the hell was I thinking, but, n what a very big but this is too, the very conscious half of my brain will be stuck, or should i say riveted, in that idiot view point. Is that not a curious problem, or perhaps it is a common one?

37th entry

2006-04-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

I wish I could live forever. A hundred years is not enough for me, a thousand years would not b enough. I'd do everything, I'd go everywhere, I'd read everything, n if I ever come to e end of everything there is to knw, I'll find new things to learn. And if everything n everyone I've ever loved is gone n lost, I'll find new places to love, new people to love. And if my heart ever feels too full, I'd open it up further. And if I do everything I've dreamt about, that will never b e end of e road for me, I'll dream new dreams, I'd never stop living. If ever comes e day I feel tired, I'll sit down n rest a while, n dream e memory of all e things I've done, n know there is never a full stop, because there r so many things yet to come, n I want to b there to greet e future with all my past.

36th entry

2006-04-06T19:18:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you have to remember you are not living just for yourself. There are people out there who depend on you; their lives intertwined with yours, their fates intertwined with yours. You can’t just walk away and say, hey, it’s my life, and I can do anything I want with it, because its not, and you are forgetting it’s my life too, you are fooling around with.